YELLOWSTONE NATIONAL PARK—In an incident Yellowstone officials called “the least surprising thing to happen this week,” a 65-year-old retiree from Kendall, Washington, was launched eight feet into the Wyoming sky after trying to “make friends” with a 2,000-pound bison in mating season. Witnesses said he was “absolutely shocked” when the bison answered his gentle approach with the subtlety of a flying Volkswagen.

Park rangers say this is at least the twelfth time this summer that a tourist has been “surprised” to learn that wild animals in the wild behave like wild animals. “It’s always the same story,” sighed head ranger Kyle Denton. “They see a giant, snorting animal with rage in its eyes, and their first thought is, ‘Selfie time.’”

Authorities confirmed that the bison was “very much in heat” and “absolutely not looking for new friends.” Wildlife biologists say male bison during rutting season are known for short tempers, massive size, and a tendency to treat humans like beach balls at a rock concert. “Approaching a bison at this time of year is about as wise as poking a bear with a selfie stick,” stated Dr. Marsha Lennox.

Onlookers described the attack as “sudden but somehow inevitable.” The bison gave him one look and—boom—he was airborne, like a sack of potatoes with a GoPro.

Medical staff says the man suffered a bruised ego, several cracked ribs, and a broken leg in several places, along with what they called “classic tourist syndrome.” He is expected to make a full recovery and has already (supposedly) begun planning a trip to Florida, where he hopes to “swim with the gators.”

Park officials have since posted new signs reading, “Bison Are Not Cuddly—Back Up or Get Tossed,” though they admit that most visitors appear to believe warning signs are merely decorative. “We could put up a neon billboard that says, ‘STAY AWAY FROM THE ANGRY GIANT MAMMALS,’ and someone would still try to feed them trail mix,” said Ranger Denton.

Experts suggest that humans have a “deeply flawed” understanding of what ‘wild’ actually means. “People think national parks are just petting zoos with better scenery,” Dr. Lennox noted. “Then nature reminds them—sometimes with a hoof to the chin—that it has its own agenda.”

As Yellowstone’s bison population continues to thrive, officials urge visitors to keep a safe distance, respect all posted warnings, and remember: if you wouldn’t approach a stranger’s car in a Walmart parking lot, don’t approach a two-ton mammal in the wild.

At press time, park rangers were reportedly chasing down a woman trying to put a cowboy hat on a Yellowstone moose—in heat.