Dear Kurt.

My wife and I have been struggling for some time now with my lifelong friend, let me call him “Herbie,” to protect his real identity. My wife and I have known him and his wife for almost 30 years and have invited them to our home for dinner on multiple occasions.

Recently, because “Herbie’s” emotional support and service hamster died after 10 years of “service”, he replaced him with a new emotional support service llama. We invited him and his wife over for another dinner, and “Herbie” insists on bringing his new emotional support service llama.  We’re willing to overlook the possibility that the llama isn’t housebroken, but we understand they have a nasty habit (like camels) of spitting. We’re concerned about our food. The last time we confronted this problem (spit in our food), we were at a truck stop diner in Alabama wearing our “When We Fight, We Win” T-shirts, back in 2024.

What’s the right thing to do here to show support for “Herbie’s” emotional needs and make sure his emotional service-support llama doesn’t spit in our food?

Dilemma’d in Detroit

Dear Dilemma’d in Detroit.

Is this for real? Are you kidding me? What a loser.

First, it’s understandable that “Herbie” may need an emotional support animal. He sounds like a whiny, sniveling whackadoodle. Everyone has different needs, and even though you and your wife probably still have (and wear) your “When We Fight, We Win, Except When We Don’t” T-shirts, I won’t hold it against you and still answer your question, because I’m Kurt Kurmudgeon.

Tell “Herbie” that if he can’t attend dinner without his llama, then perhaps it’s best to meet another time and place. He should explore different ways to manage his anxiety and need for emotional support before dinner, as many people do, with large amounts of alcohol. And I’m still a little confused about what a llama does to provide service support. Are you sure he and his wife are getting along? I just think he may be overstating the physical and emotional support. Perhaps there is another motive. Only God knows. People have unique reasons for their choices these days, and I’m sure you know all the stories about lonely sheep farmers….

If you want to test the waters, invite Herbie and his wife over for a barbecue and (jokingly) mention you’re including barbequed llama on the menu. That could demonstrate his true commitment to the animal.

Good luck. And hey… find some new, not-weird friends… will you?

Your curmudgeony BFF

Kurt