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Author: boomerznews.com
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Angry 2-Year-Olds Smash and Grab at Local Target to Protest New Tariff on Pull-Ups
In what experts are calling “the most organized toddler-led politically motivated insurrection ever,” dozens of furious, unclothed 2-year-olds stormed a local Target on Tuesday, shattering glass, toppling displays, and making off with armfuls of pull-up packs. Their demand: a rollback of President Trump’s newly announced 50% tariff on imported pull-ups. Witnesses described the scene as…
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Stressed by Hours of Repetition, Mother Strangles Both Marco and Polo at Local Hotel Pool
ORLANDO, FL — Spectators describe the scene as “less tragedy, more prophecy.” After what authorities counted as the 147th uninterrupted round of the pool game that has claimed more sanity than sunburns, a local mother, vacationing with her family, finally snapped and strangled both Marco and Polo during peak splash hour at the Marriott Courtyard…
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Ayatollah Tells Paradise Greeter He Specifically Remembers Being Promised 72 Only Female Virgins
In sources describing it as an “awkward celestial encounter,” the recently deceased Iranian Ayatollah Ali Khamenei reportedly faced paradise on Wednesday, allegedly to clarify what the holy man called a “clear case of divine fuck-up.” Khamenei, who was killed during a U.S. bombing mission in the early days of the latest Iran-U.S. war, allegedly expected…
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April in History
This Month in History April 2, 1513 – Spanish explorer Ponce de Leon sighted Florida and claimed it for the Spanish Crown after landing at what is now St. Augustine. About 500 Jewish and Italian seniors, traveling with their golf carts, disembarked from de Leon’s ship just in time for a 3 p.m. early senior discount…
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ABOUT
If you’re reading this, you’re probably curious about who I am—or what motivated me to start this publication. I’m a retired federal worker, but that’s just part of my story. My path here hasn’t been straightforward; the twists made life more interesting than I planned. Like an aging lion with a scarred face, I recognize…
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